Dear Concerned Consumers,
Every day, one million trees are cut down to make traditional toilet paper. We learned this on a website that also sells 100% bamboo toilet paper, 100% recycled toilet paper, recycled paper towels, recycled trash bags, and scrub sponges with a loofah side—because when you are uncraping the world, product expansion is a spiritual duty.
We write today to defend a principle that is very much in the spirit of environmental urgency, except for, and this is crucial, the parts where it is also a subscription box with free carbon-neutral shipping over $25 via verified offsets.
On Virtue, Which Is Soft, Scrunchable, and Mega Length:
Recycled toilet paper is our eco-friendliest choice. Bamboo toilet paper is also eco-friendly, wins for strength and softness, and looks fancier in black-and-white wrappers. Both are wayyyy better than wiping with virgin trees. We are 99.9% sure you will love whichever roll maximizes your self-image this quarter.
This is not a product decision. It is a values alignment exercise conducted in the bathroom, the last private space where a household can still feel like foreign policy.
On Recycling, Except When People Think We Mean:
Used toilet paper. We do not recycle used toilet paper. That would be disgusting. We recycle post-consumer paper that is cleaned, treated, and heated to zap bacteria—old math homework, transformed into moral infrastructure. Who knew making toilet rolls from things already in circulation could help reduce deforestation? Oh wait, we did. We put it on the product page.
On Impact:
Fifty percent of profits are donated to help everyone gain access to clean water and a toilet—over fourteen million dollars raised to date. So every time you wipe, you are helping billions of people in need. Small choices make a big difference. Large marketing departments make sure you know that.
Not why we do it, but a short film about it was produced for us by BBC StoryWorks Commercial Productions. Please feel the documentary affect while you add a 48-roll box to cart.
On Carbon Neutrality:
Free carbon-neutral shipping over $25 (via verified offsets). We have an official carbon footprint. We convinced a landlord to install solar panels that spell CRAP. We partner with platforms that make shipping neutrality a purchasable attribute. Both the trees and the offsets are real. Both maximize cart conversion.
On Certifications:
We are B Corp certified. We are FSC certified. We are Benji certified (a dog). Look mum, certifications. We don’t do it for the recognition, but who doesn’t love a gold star next to a price comparison table where recycled paper is $0.37 per 100 sheets and Charmin is $0.72—proof that virtue can also be the value SKU.
On What Definitely Isn’t Happening:
We are not inviting you to treat a bathroom staple as a personality. We are inviting you to subscribe & save, never run out, skip/delay/cancel anytime, and feel that the flush is a foreign-aid instrument. These are not the same thing. They merely share a checkout flow.
Traditional toilet paper chops down trees, which we think is a big no-no. Using paper already in circulation? That’s a yes-yes. Plastic packaging? We hate plastic. Individual thin wrappers on every roll? Required for moisture control, and—conveniently—for a more colorful bathroom that photographs well.
The Asymmetry That Definitely Doesn’t Bother Us:
Untreated waste accounts for a whopping 5% of human-caused methane emissions. Women spend an average of 200 million hours walking to collect water. These are serious facts. They are also excellent reasons to buy mega-length rolls equal to 336 regular rolls (based on sheet counts of leading brands, cough cough Blarmin). Seriousness and cart size are not in tension. They are a bundle. Save 20%.
The Choice Before Us:
We believe in clean water. We believe in toilets. We believe in no deforestation commitments. We believe in hydrogen peroxide whitening because rumor has it people get uncomfy when their TP isn’t sparkly white—and by looking the part, we appeal to more bums and maximize donations.
We also believe that if you are still buying tree paper, you are not merely making a purchase error. You are on the wrong side of bathroom history. The future is worth building. So is the feeling that you already built it by clicking Subscribe.
Nature’s calling. Sit down for a wild adventure. But only for a limited time.
Coalition for Soft Conviction and Hard Metrics
Each member maintains a dedicated impact story and a 30-day money-back guarantee